


I know where all the murder spots are

by gluupor



Series: The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine [6]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Brooklyn Nine-Nine inspired, F/M, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 17:57:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13595346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor
Summary: Neil sighed. “He was anxious so he fell back on all his bad habits.”“The judge made a syntax error, Neil! I had to correct him,” argued Kevin.“You really did not,” said Neil.“It would have bugged me if I didn’t,” said Kevin defensively.





	I know where all the murder spots are

**Author's Note:**

> I think Kevin may have accidentally become the main character of this series. Discuss.

Andrew had been sniffling at his desk for forty-five minutes on a Wednesday morning when Nicky dropped a box of tissues next to him.

“What is this?” asked Andrew, regarding the box of tissues as if Nicky had dropped a live snake on his desk.

“Tissues,” said Nicky. “For your nose.”

Andrew glared. The effect was somewhat lessened by his sniffling. “I’m not sick,” he said. “I don’t get sick.”

“Uh huh,” said Nicky skeptically. “So the coughing and sneezing and zombie-like appearance indicate that you’re completely healthy?”

“Yes,” said Andrew petulantly.

“You’ll be heading to your usual Wednesday secret appointment, then, will you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Andrew.

“Every Wednesday you leave slightly early! You’re up to something and you’re going to tell me what it is.”

“When have I ever willingly divulged anything to you about my life?” asked Andrew.

“Why not?” demanded Nicky. “I’m trustworthy! I’ve never told anyone here what I know about your parents.”

“What about Andrew’s parents?” asked Dan.

“His adopted dad is Deputy Chief Higgins and Andrew affectionately calls his parents by the nicknames Pig and Bee,” Nicky replied automatically.

“That’s adorable,” said Dan. “I kind of want to pinch Andrew’s cheeks now, but I’m pretty sure that would end with a knife in my gut.”

“Good instincts,” mumbled Andrew.

“You didn’t even stop and think about whether you should say that or not, did you?” Renee asked Nicky.

“Not at all,” said Nicky. “I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.” He turned back to Andrew. “Okay, that was a mistake and maybe you have a point about not telling me things, but I swear that you can trust me with the secret of what you do on Wednesdays. Come on, what did you do last Wednesday?”

“I spent the evening cuddling with my husband,” said Andrew. Renee suppressed a smile and Dan looked thoughtful.

Nicky frowned. “If you don't want to tell me, you can just say so,” he pouted. “You don’t have to lie.”

“I don't want to tell you,” said Andrew.

Nicky sulked back to his desk as the elevator doors opened and Neil escorted a white-faced and trembling Kevin into the bullpen. He got Kevin settled at his desk before turning to the rest of them. Wymack, Allison, and Matt came out from their meeting in Wymack’s office to see what the commotion was.

“What happened?” Wymack asked.

“Kevin was testifying at Riko Moriyama’s appeal this morning,” said Neil.

“I’ve been working with Thea for weeks,” said Kevin, staring at nothing. “She said to be myself. Well, I tried to be myself and everybody hated it.”

“What happened?” Wymack repeated, stepping closer.

“Oh, Captain, I didn't expect to see you here,” said Kevin dazedly, looking up.

“In my place of work?” asked Wymack, before giving up on getting useful information out of Kevin. “Josten, what happened?”

Neil sighed. “He was anxious so he fell back on all his bad habits.”

“The judge made a syntax error, Neil! I had to correct him,” argued Kevin.

“You really did not,” said Neil.

“It would have bugged me if I didn’t,” said Kevin defensively.

“Then, he got in a argument with someone else in the courtroom and he said, ‘When this is over, I'm going to find you, and I'm going to break those little fingers,’” continued Neil.

Wymack groaned. “What did the judge have to say about that?”

“He said, ‘Mr. Day, please stop threatening the stenographer,’” said Kevin dully.

Wymack rubbed his temple. “Then what?”

“Then he cried a little.”

“It was _emotional_ ,” said Kevin.

“Then what?” said Wymack, now sounding exhausted.

“Then Thea removed him from the stand and called me to testify instead,” said Neil.

“So it was better after that?” asked Dan.

“More or less,” said Neil. “My testimony went okay, but Riko did threaten to have me killed.” At everyone’s stricken faces he backtracked a little. “I’ve received more death threats from Riko than I can count. It’s really no big deal.”

“Of course!” said Matt, in a panic. “Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal?” He looked around at everyone else. “Oh, that's right: because it threatens death!”

“Why is he only threatening you and not Kevin?” Dan asked. “I thought that Kevin did the majority of undercover work on that case?”

“Yeah,” said Neil. “He convinced Riko that they were best friends. And Riko is both delusional and narcissistic, so he believed him wholeheartedly. He doesn’t believe that Kevin would have turned on him if it wasn’t for me.”

“But he knows Kevin’s a cop?” asked Allison.

“Yup,” said Neil. “Seriously, in Riko’s mind Kevin was going to go rogue and leave the department until I came along and ‘ruined everything’.” He made air quotes to illustrate his point.

“And now he wants to kill you for that,” concluded Dan.

“He can’t do much from prison,” said Neil. “And Thea was still confident that he’s not winning this appeal, even after what happened today.”

“Nevertheless, I want you to stick close to the precinct during work hours until this appeal is over,” Wymack told Neil. “Today, I want you to do desk work and calm Kevin down.”

“Great,” said Neil dryly. He looked around at his co-workers. “Anyone want to trade?” He was soundly ignored, as everyone suddenly had work that they had to be doing. Andrew started coughing violently.

“Matt,” said Neil quietly. “Can you trade cases with Andrew? Give him something with little to no work? He shouldn’t be interviewing witnesses while sick.”

“If I imply that he’s sick, he’s liable to hurt me,” said Matt.

Neil gave a half-smile. “Don’t imply he’s sick, then. I’ll owe you one.”

“Why do you care?” asked Matt.

“I’m a nice person,” said Neil. At Matt’s dubious look he asked, “You don’t agree with me?”

“Yes, I do agree with you,” said Matt immediately. “I agree with you on all things throughout history until the end of times forever.” He took a file over to Andrew’s desk. Andrew blinked up at him blearily.

“I have a murder here with no leads and no evidence,” said Matt. “I’ll trade you for the hit and run you’re working on. My case is unsolvable, and thus, shall have no paperwork.”

“You had me at ‘no paperwork’,” said Andrew roughly.

“That was the very end of the sentence,” said Matt, but traded case files anyway. When he got back to his desk, Neil was trying to find something to distract Kevin and to make him stop whimpering.

“Thea said she’d come by after court adjourned for the day,” cajoled Neil. “You like Thea.”

“She’s magnificent,” sighed Kevin. “Maybe I’ll ask her out.”

“Er, today?” said Neil. “After… everything that she saw today?”

“If she doesn’t want me at my worst, then she doesn’t get to have me at my best,” said Kevin haughtily.

“You go girl,” muttered Matt.

“This is a great idea,” continued Kevin, warming to the topic. “I’ve been spending lots of time with her recently and getting to know her so I can plan the perfect date!” He excitedly started clicking on his computer, looking up places he could take Thea.

“I have ideas,” Allison announced.

“No,” said Kevin shortly.

“Karaoke,” said Allison. “So you can serenade her.”

“Stop,” said Kevin.

“Open mic night,” suggested Allison. “Either comedy or slam poetry.”

“Why are you like this?” Kevin asked.

“Bowling,” replied Allison.

“What’s wrong with bowling?” Matt asked. “Dan and I go bowling all the time.”

Allison wrinkled her nose. “Borrowed shoes,” she says. “Think of all the other feet that have been in those shoes and what they might have growing on them. I don’t do anything that requires sharing apparel.”

“What about skating?” asked Matt.

“If I wanted to totter around on ice wearing knives on my boots, I would buy myself skates,” said Allison with disdain.

“What about the cape you wear at the hairdresser?” inquired Dan.

“I bring my own,” said Allison. “Doesn’t everyone?”

Kevin scoffed. “Next you’re going to say that you don’t believe that people should rent tuxes.”

“Borrowed pants,” said Allison, shuddering. “There have been so many butts in them.”

“Regardless of the shoes,” said Matt, “bowling’s a good idea. Bowling is fun!”

“You only think that because you and Dan are practically an old married couple and married couples go bowling all the time,” proclaimed Allison.

“I’ve never been bowling,” protested Neil.

“You’ve never done a lot of things that most people have,” said Kevin.

“Well, I did spend most of my teenage years in witness protection with my mother who was too paranoid to leave the house,” said Neil.

“New topic, everyone!” Allison announced loudly. “Things that Neil has never done. Go!”

“Uh, ridden a roller coaster,” said Matt.

“Gone to a movie theatre,” guessed Dan.

“Kept his smart mouth shut,” said Andrew.

“Danced in a nightclub,” said Nicky.

“Gone bowling,” said Kevin sullenly.

“Kevin, that’s cheating,” Allison said.

“This game doesn’t have rules!” argued Kevin. At Allison’s unimpressed look, he relented. “Fine. Eaten sushi,” he corrected.

“Gotten lost,” said Renee.

“Aaaaand my guess is… paid more than $50 for jeans,” finished Allison. She turned to Neil. “How’d we do?”

“Five out of seven,” said Neil. “Not bad.”

* * *

Thea arrived later, looking harried and wrung out. “The judge hasn’t made any decisions about Riko’s bail,” she told Neil and Kevin. “For now he’s still in custody. The fact that he was making death threats against a police officer actually worked in our favour.”

“I’m glad that his animosity towards me has some benefit,” said Neil.

“You could stop goading him,” suggested Thea.

“I could,” said Neil, thoughtfully. “I won’t.”

Kevin took a deep breath. “Would you do me the honour of accompanying me on a date this evening?” he blurted out.

“A date?” echoed Thea, blankly.

“I’ve planned it all out,” said Kevin triumphantly. “We’ll go to a small showing at an art gallery; the paintings are impressionist, as you prefer. Then we’ll sample the tasting menu at that charming little place over on Fifth Avenue that you’ve expressed interest in attending. Following that, we’ll take a carriage ride through the park to look at the stars, as you always dreamed of doing when you were little.” He smiled hopefully at Thea.

Thea hummed. “No,” she said.

Kevin’s face fell. “No?” he asked.

“No,” Thea repeated. “I have spent all day in court, and I have five other cases coming up to trial soon, and my assistant has called in sick the last three days. I have worked over one hundred hours in the past seven days. You are going to come back to my place, we’re going to order take-out, and then we’re going to bone.”

“Bone?” echoed Allison incredulously.

Thea ignored her. “Kevin,” she said. “Now.”

“Right,” said Kevin, hastily shoving his belongings into his bag. “I’m ready to go now.”

“Good,” said Thea shortly and marched out of the bullpen, confident that Kevin was following closely behind her.

Allison was still watching in disbelief after the elevator doors had closed behind them. “Well,” she finally said. “I just learned way more than I ever wanted to know about Kevin’s sexual preferences.”

“Are you thinking about how if Kevin likes bossy women then you’re the one he’s most likely to hook up with in the precinct?” Nicky asked Allison.

“Oh, _gross_ ,” said Allison. “ _Now_ I’m thinking about that. It’s really disturbing.”

“Please,” said Nicky. “I saw you watching him walk out. You think he’s hot.”

Allison shrugged, unrepentant. “You can hate a person and still think they’re hot.”

“Oh, I know,” said Nicky. “That’s the only explanation for Neil succumbing to Andrew’s terrible flirting.”

Allison shook her head. “Sometimes you are the most oblivious person on the planet,” she said.

“No way, I notice things!” said Nicky. “I noticed Andrew’s secret Wednesday outings.” He looked around. “Oh, he’s gone already. He never told me what he was up to. Therefore there’s only one possibility: he’s in a fight club.”

“Of course he is,” said Neil. Everyone in the bullpen looked at him in surprise. “With Renee. They spar weekly.” At everyone’s continued staring, he huffed. “You must have noticed that they’re always bruised on Thursdays? And that they leave together once a week?” He looked around at the blank faces. “You guys are the _worst_ detectives ever. He’s not being subtle!”

* * *

Neil arrived home carrying a bag of supplies from the pharmacy. He found a grumpy, snotty blanket burrito glaring at him as he removed his shoes.

“I got you medication and more tissues and those children’s throat lozenges you like that are disguised as watermelon-flavoured lollipops,” he said, dropping off the bag on the coffee table. He ran a cool hand across Andrew’s fevered brow. “I’m going to make you some soup. Do you want anything else?”

“Death,” replied Andrew.

Neil rolled his eyes. “Drama queen,” he said. “You know, if you just stayed home and slept instead of going to work you would be feeling better by now.”

“I’m sorry,” said Andrew. “I couldn’t hear you through all the hypocrisy. Which one of us has ignored his illness so long that he passed out and had to be taken to the hospital?”

“Hey,” Neil defended. “That’s only happened, like, three times.”

“Four,” corrected Andrew. “Don’t forget the time that you were undercover and caught pneumonia and started hallucinating. I didn’t even know you were in the hospital until Kevin realized that no one else knew to call me, three days after the fact.”

“Ah, yes,” said Neil. “How could I forget the reason we got married?”

“Well we wouldn’t have had to if you could stay out of the hospital,” replied Andrew grumpily.

“Was that… supposed to give me incentive to remain healthy?” asked Neil with amusement. “Stay out of the hospital or else you’ll end up married to the person you love?”

“Shut up,” said Andrew. “I’m sick. Words are hard.”

“Yes, I recall that the words ‘shut up’ were the main part of your proposal.”

“Better than your response of, ‘Go die, you jerk.’”

“I’d been planning on proposing for _months_ ,” argued Neil. “It was going to be all romantic. And then you just turned off the exy game I was watching and said, ‘Shut up and get in the car. We’re getting married.’”

“Whatever,” said Andrew. “It worked.”

“And now I’m stuck with you, in sickness and in health.”

“That’s right,” said Andrew nodding. “Go make me some soup.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoy my writing you can check out my [new multi-chaptered fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13565184). I would really appreciate it if you gave it a chance.
> 
> I can be found on tumblr [@gluupor](http://gluupor.tumblr.com).
> 
> Let me know what you think!


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